Unlike in European languages, personal pronouns other than “I” and “we” are not commonly used in Japanese.
Textbooks and dictionaries may say “あなた” is “you“, but that is only because among all other “you” in Japanese, “あなた” is relatively close to being neutral, especially in writing. However in conversation, “あなた” is avoided at all cost because it will be:
- Extremely rude toward someone who is senior to you
- Too formal and stiff toward someone who is junior to you
- Too dramatic, theatrical or pretentious toward your peers
The only time “あなた” is used regularly in conversation is wives addressing their husbands (but never by husbands toward wives).
- あなた、ゴミ外に出しておいてくれる？ -> Honey, will you put the garbage out?
If you know someone’s family name, that will be used instead. Note that in Japan first names are used only by family members and among girls. Boys rarely call each other by first names. In most cases names are followed by Japanese name suffixes (e.g. “さん”, “様”).
- ああ鈴木さん、今日はどちらへ？ -> Oh Mr./Ms. Suzuki, where are you off to today?
Note that you keep referring to the person using his/her name instead of “you”, even after the context has been established:
- ええ、山本さんの意見に私も賛成です -> Yes, I agree with Mr. Yamamoto’s opinion (you are directly talking to Mr. Yamamoto, but you still won’t say “your”)
Note that you address senior members of your family using their roles:
- お母さんがそう言ったんじゃない -> You’re the one who said so, mom
- お姉ちゃんのこと、ここで待ってるから -> I will wait for you here, big sister
Among close friends, usually nicknames will be used. Nicknames can be just abbreviations of real names, but often times puns and/or wordplays of the names, or can be something really creative.
However in public/official settings, the job title will be added to person’s family name, especially if he/she is in the same organization with you.
- 鈴木社長はどのように思われますか？ -> What do you think, President Suzuki?
You can call someone by just his/her job title, like in the military, especially when he/she is in your organization.
- 課長、机の上に報告書を置いときますよ -> Section Chief, I leave the report on the, your, desk, OK?
“先生” is one of the most widely used title. It can be used for anybody to show respect, but it is always used for:
- Anybody who teaches you something: school teachers, college professors, art class teachers, athletic coaches and so on
- Licensed professionals like doctors, lawyers, CPA’s, etc.
- 田中先生が手術してくださるなら安心です -> I feel good if you, Dr. Tanaka, will perform the surgery
“先輩” is often used for senior schoolmates (usually in high schools or colleges):
- 田中先輩はどこに住んでるんですか？ -> Where do you live, Senior Tanaka?
Even if you don’t know the name of the person, if you know his/her job, that will be used. For example:
- 運転手さん : A taxi/bus driver
- 運転手さん、次の交差点を右に曲がって下さい -> Mr. driver, please turn the next intersection right
- 店員さん : A store clerk
- 店員さんのおすすめはどれですか？-> Which one do you recommend, Ms. store clerk?
- お子さんがお母さんのそばを離れないようにして下さい -> Please make sure you child won’t leave mom’s, your, side (an amusement park attendant to a mother with a child, for example)
To address a perfect stranger, the below are the main options:
- 御客様 (おきゃくさま), 御客さん : if he/she is your customer, this is the most common
- お客様のタクシーがまいりました -> Your taxi has arrived, Mr. Customer
- そちらの人・そちらの方・そちら様 : Literally means “the person over there”
- そちらの方はどう思われますか？ -> The person over there, what do you think?
- 御宅 : It literally means “your household”. If you are an anime fan, you probably know “おたく” also means “nerd”. That is because Japanese nerds often address each other “おたく”. Originally used among adult women, and it continues to be today
- 御宅の息子さんはどちらの学校へ行かれているんですか？ -> Which school does your son go?
Also you could go without using “you” all together: Personal pronouns are often omitted in Japanese, and assumed through contexts (although that leads to confusion from time to time).
“あなた” is used, only when all of the above options are exhausted. In fact, use of “あなた” often implies that you don’t care to know who he/she is:
- あなた、一体どういうつもりなんですか？-> What in the world are you thinking, doing?
When I was in high school, I was living in a small apartment in Tokyo. One day a new family moved in the next apartment: A husband and a wife (in their early 30’s) and two young children (both about 5, 6 years old). I only saw them a few times in the hall way, never talked to them. During the day, when the husband was at work and the wife went out for grocery shopping or something, the two children would make huge ruckus: running around in the apartment, kicking walls, etc.. In Japan, where people live in much tighter quarters, neighbor’s noise is a very big and sensitive issue.
One day I ran into the wife in the hallway, and she asked me if her kids were not making too much noise. I wanted to say to her “only when you are out leaving the kids alone”, but I struggled to find an appropriate word to address her, the “you” word. Me being a teenager, it would be very rude for me to address her who was at least 10 years senior “あなた”. I didn’t know their family name yet, but even if I had known, “鈴木さん” can refer to both Mr. and Mrs. Suzuki, and not very clear. If I had been an adult, I could’ve used “奥様” or “奥さん” (= wife), but it was rude and decidedly weird for the teenager me to say that.
In the end she sensed my struggle and asked me something like “oh, when I am out, you mean?” and bailed me out. On hindsight probably the best term I could’ve used was “お母さん” (= mother), but either way, I hope this illustrates the complicated nature of addressing someone you don’t know well in Japanese.
By now you may be thinking twice about learning Japanese. The good news is, if you obviously look or sound like a foreigner, Japanese will immediately take that into account and will not take any offense. However if you want to speak Japanese like a native speaker, you have to be mindful of all these rules.